For the first time words did not suffice. Not a sentence or any meaningful conjunction of my thoughts could repress this unnatural urge that wants to take over my body and rip me in half. Tear down the walls and shake me down to my core. Allow all the sentiments to overflow. Just thinking about it makes me feel alive. It feels better than this agony of a repressed existence. Locking with shackles my heart in a cage so it won’t break when I've killed it already by taking it away from life.

"What's the point of living if you can't be free?"

Thoughts at the top of the stairs

In my youth I desired death.

Every cigarette brought me closer.

Living seemed too monotonous.

I held the bud, inhaled the toxic fume disguised with menthol.

I licked my lips, moisture for a dry soul.

I ponder how within more age you tend to grasp for life.

How wrinkled hands use their frails energies to clench to something that is inevitably doomed.

Weak memories of what one day passed, of what seem important.

I refuse to spend treacherous hours clinging when in the end, like all, I shall fall.

It is not a frightful fall, why should death be frowned upon?

Why the fear of the unknown must drive souls to go mad?

I simply live.

I simply breathe.

I simply am.

I just smoke my cigarette and smile.

Let the fumes take away my worries and await the day I fall.

C.D.C.

Esas Noches

Esas noches.

Las luces se ven oscuras, las sombras no existen.

Existen trazos de memorias.

Trazos de cenizas.

Trazos de lo que fue.

Lo que fue y no quise, lo que quise y nunca fue.

Lo que nunca llegó.

Mas, llegó algo.

Llegó el abismo.

Llegó la soledad.

Llegó el sufrimiento.

Las emociones que mantienen a uno en un espiral negro.

Ese espiral sin salida.

La luz se fue y con ella me fui yo.

C.D.C.

Crave

When I crave a cigarette I think of you.

Wanting it so badly, knowing I can't have it.

Just like that sweet nicotine, you retain something that keeps me aching for more.

It doesn't matter if I can't have you; I will always be yearning, itching, longing.

Suffering for that puff the never passes.

C.D.C

Oda a mi Cama

Enemigo mortal.
Enemigo mortal que me llama.
Lo conozco tan bien y él conoce mis entrañas.
Desde lejos espera para cautivarme.
Espera mi presencia y su magia negra desde millares me atrae como imán poderoso.
Enemigo que amo, enemigo que añoro.Soy débil ante él; me dejo seducir y transportar.
Sucumbir  a un universo paralelo de una melodía silenciosa.
Enemigo que se lleva el tiempo; solo contiene la cronotopía de mis sueños.
Por más que te rechace, que refute y te maldiga; por más que otros digan que el exceso de tu presencia me hace daño nunca te digo que no.
Eres mi droga y te mendigo como adicto.
Querido enemigo que amo más que mi sangre; querido enemigo es parte de mi vivir. 

C.D.C.

*Sigh*

Well, this certainly has been an interesting year. After all the ups and downs, the laughs and chaos, the late night rides and meltdowns, I have decided that for the new year I shall return to the blogosphere with a fresh perspective and not to let my fear of sharing my writings *shudders* get in the way  of my progress.

Be warned, they may be a tad depressive.

All in all, Merry Christmas and may you welcome the New Years with lots of laughter, wine and retrains of telling off the annoying family members who can't get enough of asking the same obnoxious and slightly uncomfortable questions.